Greetings From the Vortex

The news that's giving me hope in these twisted times.

Hi friends!

How we all doing? I was waiting for Diddy to get arrested before writing to you, but that’s taking forever, and these vibes need to be discussed and then taken out back and shot lest they get any worse. Sorry, that was violent, but violence is kind of having a moment?

Are the young women still being punched in New York? I wouldn’t know, as soon as “Cowboy Carter” dropped, my FYP reset itself to gay men crying and dancing and I haven’t seen a single punching vid since.

We find ourselves, again, in one of those special cycles where the vilest news, the demons of culture, and so many feelings converge in an extra spicy expression of the Unhingement. These are vortex vibes and there is no clarity to be found, just observations to be made as we hang on for dear life and try not to get swept up in the energetic pull of consuming the literal and figurative collapse of too many structures without an end or alternative in sight.

It’s all very bleak, so in lieu of discussing the darkness of it all (again), shall we coordinate a time to let out a primal scream in unison and see if that does the trick?

My grand thesis on the entire entertainment industry being the Stanford Prison Experiment with the added variables of fame, money, sex, drugs, and childhood trauma will simply have to wait. Instead, I am going to share a few beams of light that have pierced through the vortex of what was once “the news,” recent-ish items that give me hope that we might be able to survive the rest of the year without deleting the internet, which remains at the center of my spring mood board despite the logistics being exceptionally murky.

me trying to read a book with my algorithm damaged brain.

Famous Life Coaches Get Washed

The charlatans and maniacs of the wellness industry being exposed for their bad behavior and dubious business practices just thrills me. In recent weeks we have had two of the main pushers of what I like to call “unwellness culture” knocked off their podcast mics thrones.

First, it was revealed that while Jay Shetty is great at endearing himself to celebrities, has an Erewhon smoothie named after him, and wrote a book called Think Like a Monk, he is not actually … a monk. He is, however, a masterful marketer who loves to plagiarize.

I am no monk myself, but I do know that chasing clout is not a spiritual practice, which should have been a red flag to the students attending his literal life coaching school but red flag detection is not strong in the future life coaches of America.

And then there was the Huberman story (doctors can be life coaches too). I mean, anyone who spends that much energy on controlling every variable of their physical life and still has enough juice left to podcast proselytize is obviously beyond unhinged. Are we surprised that he treats women like shit? Nah. Love the dish, though. The dish does more for my sanity than dunking in a nice, jarring ice bath ever could.

Whoopi Goldberg Knows the Aliens

Whoopi Goldberg is famously an EGOT winner, but perhaps her greatest talent is coming up with iconic lines that set the internet ablaze with their surety. And last week she dropped a new classic when she calmly declared “they're watching us” when asked to elaborate on her take that the aliens are here and have been for quite some time.

Honestly, the aliens having kinship with Whoopi Goldberg makes me feel so hopeful about their vibe even though the whole “watching” thing is not the best. Like, are they coolly observing us and about to approach with an air of superiority or obsessed with us and plotting devious moves? I just want to know if the alien husband I’m assigned will be more Mr. Darcy or Joe Goldberg so I can properly prepare.

me resting easy because I know the aliens are cool with Whoopi.

A Union Forged in Unhingement

Every time I crack and re-download Hinge I see the same crew of regulars, but that doesn’t matter because love is very much alive and well now that we know TLC-famous conjoined twins Abby and Brittany Hensel have been married to a man named Josh (perfect name for him) since 2021. He’s actually only married to Abby, who shares a body with her sister Brittany, but that feels like a paperwork thing?

Their content is wild. What a beautiful case of there being a lid for every pot in this crazy world of ours.

This TikTok of Kamala Being Insane

I have no idea what the context is but Kamala Harris is out of her mind in this magnificent TikTok and I am going to need more. Gives me hope that funnier characters could take center stage in this relentless theatre of the absurd production we are the captive audience for. If I am going to have to endure Trump’s bible salesman era, I am going to need more of this cackling woman and her gourmet word salads.

They sent her to Puerto Rico a couple weeks ago and that also made great content. I would say this is a case of life imitating art (the “Veep” of it all, etc.) but her vibe is wilder than fiction.

Lunar News

I just found out that NASA is developing a new time zone for the moon! This combines two of my favorite things, the moon and the shitshow construct that is time. Could not be more pleased that Coordinated Lunar Time (LTC) is on its way so that when I finally get the opportunity to visit the moon (huge fan) I will have something fun to set my watch to.

I know that the word “astrology” makes skeptics who hate the mysteries of the universe roll their eyes, but our celestial bodies are going through it right now. Let’s just rebrand it all to “lunar news” and let everyone get in on the joys of assigning blame for their troubles to misbehaving planets.

Last Monday we had a lunar eclipse and this upcoming Monday we have a total eclipse of the sun that is probably going to start some shit because total darkness in the middle of the day is weird and everything is already headed in that direction. So, yeah, the vortex vibes may try and get us once again but we can’t let them win. The hope here is that the planets stop fucking with us soon so stay strong fam, don’t get sucked in.

And if we do make it, then next week is somehow the one year anniversary of me starting this newsletter?! What a year of madness it has been. If I can get my hinges together I am going to do something special to celebrate — something that a bunch of you have been asking me to do for months because you’re too lazy to read.

Sending you lots of love, my beautiful readers! Hopefully this next eclipse brings world peace and solves the climate crisis. If those two get taken care of I think we can handle the rest.

Less Lessons More Blessin’s™

Liz