The Great Barrier Reef Has Chlamydia
And I'm expected to work at a time like this?
Hi friends!
How’s everyone doing? I’ve been engulfed in a deep desire to not work1 that doesn’t seem to align with the need to pay rent and how much I enjoy going out to restaurants as a form of entertainment. If you, too, are feeling this way, you are not alone. We will endure this together.
When the algorithm feeds me prime content for this newsletter I just feel so seen and heard. There I was on Monday afternoon, having a little peruse of the ‘tok, when across my “desk” came some wonderfully unhinged oceanic news —researchers in Australia have discovered chlamydia-like bacteria on the Great Barrier Reef. The ocean, source of all life on this planet, is really going through it. We knew she was getting warmer, more acidic, losing oxygen, that she’s full of plastic trash bags, errant fishing nets, cigarette butts and pollution, what we didn’t know is that one of her key parts now has an STI.
The 2023 twist? Chlamydia on a reef may be a good thing — at this point, the team of scientists that made the discovery can’t say either way. They’re just excited because the Great Barrier Reef, a harbinger of the climate crisis, has new life to study. "For those of us working to understand coral biology, the possibility that the bacteria living inside coral tissues are interacting with each other is quite thrilling," said one of the lead researchers. I love the scientists, may their palpable excitement over coral bacteria be an inspiration to us all.
Even though we slithered out, found our legs, and eventually invented the barbaric concept of work, mommy ocean is still home to 80% of life on Earth, and the sea creatures are going through it, too. Amidst habitat destruction, overfishing, and general aquatic disrespect, a new folk hero has emerged. Off the coast of Gibraltar, a beautiful orca named Gladis is on a vengeance-fueled mission to take down yachts. She already has two sinkings to her name, and a third unfinished attack that I’m assuming is just fuel for her cause. Most importantly, she is now instructing younger whales in the fine art of destroying boats, ensuring that her legacy lives on. British tourists aboard one of Gladis’s marks reported seeing a matriarch supervising the attack while smaller, younger whales did the heavy lifting. That makes Gladis the star of my vision board for Q3.
The ocean is basically the mother who birthed us and now yells “I gave you life, I can take it away.” She’s steadily rising, and one day will do us the favor of wiping out a good chunk of Florida. Sadly, not soon enough to submerge Ron Desantis and wash his fascist ass out of public office. I can’t believe he announced a presidential run and then hopped on a Twitter livestream with Elon Musk, a weird strategy since there are now just 12 engineers, a role of duct tape, and Elon’s musty ego holding that platform together.
I would never consume that content — I haven’t had to listen to two nightmarish men talk about bitcoin in years and that’s a streak I won’t be breaking — but from what I have gleaned from three headlines and my intuition, the announcement had the tone of a jokeless Joe Rogan podcast with the technical glitches of the Love Is Blind reunion and the subtext of a neo-Nazi propaganda flyer. I haven’t yet decided whether I will be following the lead-up to the next US election or shooting myself to the fucking moon. Will meditate with one hand on my Canadian passport and let you know.
Before I go, I am very excited to share that I reached my goal of making it through Mental Health Awareness month without a single menty b — no small feat, roses accepted — and though there are still six full days left to perish, psychologically, in the month of May, three are a long weekend for me so I’m calling it now. *Frasier Crane voice* wishing you all good mental health.
Less Lessons More Blessin’s™️
Liz
If you, or your subsidiary, have come across this post because I’m in consideration for a job you’re hiring for and you did your due diligence on Google, please know that it would be the delight of my lifetime to freelance for your production company and/or agency. This newsletter, just like everything in this late-capitalist hellscape we call life (hehe), is satire.